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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

DOG plus BEACH equals CHAOS!


Sunday my son and I decided to take Maybe to the dog beach. We expected lots of sand, salt and of course, dogs. But, what we got was much more than we bargained for. We encountered a spider on steroids, a chicken, a raccoon, two cats and a somewhat disturbing ending.

I was putting money in the ‘rip-you-off’ Master Meter machine when my son pointed out a spider about twelve inches from my face. I’m not scared of spiders… I’m flipping arachnophobia-terrified of those things. I snapped at my son, “thanks a lot for pointing it out – I love you too”. Must be some sadism in his blood – from his father’s side of course.

That was one big, bad monster of a spider. But it gets better. After depositing $2. for parking, we turned toward the beach….. holy crap, !%&%**%$#, yikes!!! Maybe had stuck her nose into the web of another one of those predaceous pests. That blankity-blank thing was on her nose. Maybe jumped back, the spider scrambled to the ground and I almost threw up. I didn’t know my vocal chords could reach such volumes but I scared a lady sitting in her car – windows up, radio on. I’m happy for one thing – we inspected Maybe’s nose and it didn’t look as if she got bit. We scraped the web from her snout the best we could with a twig. Again we headed off towards the beach, this time with me babbling to myself; yech, ewe, gross, discusting.

Well, I have to say, it was worth the unfortunate arachnid run-in. As we crested the catwalk Maybe almost yanked Albert off his feet. It’s no wonder, we had arrived at poochie paradise - a real mongrel melee. Other than at the pound, I’d never seen such a canine collection. We unclipped her leash and she was off and running – kicking up sand while people parked on their towels were taking cover.

After taking a gazillion pictures of Maybe and Albert doing the doggy paddle I decided to check our parking slip which I left obligingly on my dashboard. Albert thought we had two hours but I wasn’t so sure. As I was passing the spider infested bushes I noticed in one spot the branches were moving quite a bit. The spiders were big but let’s get real - if that was a spider moving that branch, Albert and Maybe would have had to hitch a ride home. I’d be locked inside my Prius, driving into the sunset, never to return to the Hell that was disguised as a dog beach. I slowed down to see what it was and staring back at me with its beady little eyes was a chubby raccoon happily chewing on a cocoplum. Phew, nothing as ferocious as a spider – only a cute, furry animal that could be rabid or carrying a myriad of other contagious diseases. Well, anyway, Albert and Maybe didn’t have to thumb it. Oh yeah, this is also the part where I spotted the chicken and cats. They were in the bushes next to my car seemingly oblivious to me or each other.

Well, I was right, we only got an hour with my two dollars – weekends you get doubly scre…um, taken advantage of. I know I shouldn’t be such a cheap sourpuss - I’m old and I remember when the beach had free parking. Any-hoo, I used my last two quarters which gave me 15 minutes to fetch Fido and Boy.

Here comes the really fun part. After I leashed Maybe and was walking over to pick up our belongings she erupts with explosive diarrhea. “What the heck, Maybe! You couldn’t wait till we got to the pavement or grass? I mean… oh, poor baby”. It took three poo bags to clean up her mess. We got out of there as quickly as possible, trying not to look into anyone’s eyes, only stopping for a quick shower. From the shower to the car Maybe’s behind was like a hose. But she kept walking as if she didn’t even notice the watery substance squirting from her butt. She just paused a couple of times to puke.

Maybe was a gem to hold everything in while we were in the car. But the minute we were in the house the dam broke. She threw up so much sea water our floors looked like the Great Salt Lake. Cleaning it up was a daunting task. It looked like water but when I tried to wipe it up, it was like trying to clean up a slimy egg white. Did you see the movie The Witches of Eastwick? Remember the church scene with the woman throwing up the cherry pits? Need I say more?

My exhaustion turned to fear - I was really worried about Maybe. So I turned to Google. My findings verified that she had swallowed too much salt water. It was comforting to know the other dogs survived with no ill effects in the end (I agree, that was lame). Maybe was drinking plenty of FRESH water but I kept a close eye on her all night.

It’s been 24 hours since our Sunday outing and Maybe’s back to normal. When are we taking her back to the beach? Perhaps when the raccoon, chicken, cats and spiders all jump over the moon with the cow.


  1. Love it! Yes, I can confirm it is the salt water as Jasmine did the same at the beach on a busy boardwalk and I didn't manage to bag any of it!!!!

  2. I forgot about this. I couldn't stop laughing as I read this and the entire time Elijah's in the background asking, "What's so funny?" I tried to explain, but without success. Absolutely hilarious!!!!!!!


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